Official Statement: I’m Changing the Score of my Latest Soft Serve Review

I have something to say. I simply gave too high of a score in my latest ice cream review and I want to clear the air.

I do these ice cream reviews mainly for the people. Tens of thousands of people have watched these reviews and even more than that partake in the quintessential summer treat each year. All I want is for people to know which places are good and which places are phony. Summer time is but a snippet here in Upstate and you gotta maximize every single day and eating bad soft serve is no way to do that…

I do these videos because I don’t believe just anyone can truly distinguish good soft serve from bad. You have the casual patron who won’t think twice about going to the spot down the road every single time for years, and then you who snobby self-proclaimed food critics who say they wouldn’t touch soft serve with a 30 foot pole because of the ingredients. And let me tell ya, I wouldn’t touch those guys with a 30 foot pole because soft serve is freakin delicious and they’re just too dumb to realize that.

The spectrum from great to horrible soft serve is as vast as any category of food. Surprisingly, there are only a few different machines in this world to produce soft serve, so it comes to the choice of ingredients, maintenance of the machine and weather conditions that determine the quality of the soft serve sold.

I see through all the marketing and gimmicks with my review and I genuinely believe my reviews are valid as anything else out there. Size, durability and taste on a small twist. It’s bulletproof.

However during the last review, I don’t think I followed my own formula and I wanted to clear the air so my reputation stays spotless. So here’s a few excuses why that happened.

First of all, I had a guest reviewer, our own John Longton. Most people reviewing ice cream think no matter what we’re eating it’s at least a 6, because really there’s no such thing as bad ice cream. But there is, most people just don’t know that, and that’s why it’s my job to distinguish it. But I failed, this ice cream served at the ValleyCats game was bad ice cream.

I was just swindled by John’s positive outlook on the first cone he had all year. Also, when it came time for me to make my mark, Sandstorm (or some equivalent hype song) came on the PA system and I got into it. I started dancing, acting a-fool. I yelled out my score in rhythm with the beat and had less brain power to formulate the perfect score because I was so focused on looking as cool as I did.


Anyways, I said it was a 6.2, and that’s balderdash. I was swindled, and I lied to my audience and I’m just being a man and coming clean about it.

The ice cream at Joe Bruno Stadium is 100% a 3.5.

No more, no less. And THAT’s a review.

P.S. I really need to start adding in cone quality as part of the review. This cone was trash.

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