As we try to enjoy the waning hours of the holiday season, I’d like to be the first to wish you a Happy New Year to you and yours. Unfortunately, I am forced to write to you with grave news today. We have entered the worst half of the year. January through June. Compared to the vastly superior July through December, we have more cold, lesser sports, and very few holidays to enjoy.
Allow me to break it down for you with my official power rankings of the 12 months. If you’re not agreeing with me now, you will be in about 5 minutes.
I looked at 3 things with each month, or as Jack would say, three crucial categories of criteria:
Weather will apply differently wherever you reside, but I have lived in the Northeast my entire life. We experience seasons as they are meant to be experienced. Here’s the definitive power rankings for the 12 months:
1. December: Christmas & All Sports
Weather: Yea it’s cold but we’re not in winter just yet. The first snow will get people excited about the holidays. If you get significant snow, you’re in way too cold of a place IMO. Plus, snow in December gives you a shot for a white Christmas.
Sports: NBA, College Basketball, NHL in full-swing. End of NFL regular season, games are fucking important. College Football Bowl Season (which is vastly underrated IMO). You’re packed. And to run up the score, we go to holidays.
Holidays: CHRISTMAS SEASON. CHRISTMAS EVE. CHRISTMAS. I believe Hannukah occurs sometime around this month as well. Just festive shit everywhere. FreeForm 25 days of Christmas. If you want to watch Home Alone and Elf 40 times each, this is the month you can do it. Jesus Christ happy fucking birthday this month is awesome. Finish up with New Year’s Eve, enjoy the shit out of the holidays.
2. July: ‘MERICA & Summer
Weather: Hot, mid-summer. Get to the water. Ocean, lake, pool, whatever. It’s full-blown summer, enjoy it.
Sports: Admittedly pretty awful. Just baseball along with the Home Run Derby and All-Star Game if you’re that into it. You have the British Open if you’re a golf guy and you are hearing about NFL training camp report dates late in the month.
Holidays: 4th of July. Independence day. Hell yes. Drink beer. Listen to Toby Keith. It’s the mid-summer blow out. I don’t care how old you are, celebrate our independence the best way you know how.
3. October: Fall, Football, & Candy
Weather: Beautifully mild. You can get some hot days since you’re not too far out of summer but mostly you get that first chill of the season, the leaves are turning, and it’s hoodie szn.
Sports: Football in full swing, baseball postseason, hockey and basketball preseasons. Being a football guy, I put heavy weight into months during football season. There’s just nothing better than watching a big time college game on Saturday night knowing you have a full NFL slate the next day.
Holidays: Halloween is a great holiday. If you’re young, go trick or treating, if you’re old enough, drink. No one over-hypes Halloween like they do for Thanksgiving or Christmas so it has kept it’s charm and remains a solid holiday. Spooky movies are a plus too.
4. August: Summer & Late Summer
Weather: Hot, but now we’re in late summer, and nothing beats a late-summer night on a porch or outdoor bar in my opinion. You may even find yourself longing for cooler days at this point as your blood has completely thinned out.
Sports: Still just baseball but it’s coming down to the wire. The X-factor here is it’s preseason football. Every team in the country from Pop Warner to the NFL has some hope. It’s an exciting time and the hype is REAL. Football is ALMOST back.
Holidays: Really nothing. Hopefully by August you’re in a summer weekend routine of getting out of town.
5. November: Football, Food, & Family
Weather: Not too cold just yet and we got great foliage if you’re in a good spot of the country. You’ll have to bundle up a time or 2 but overall it’s perfectly fall, you’re done sweating from a walk down the street.
Sports: NBA, College Basketball, NHL, NFL, College Football are all going STRONG. It also holds the best weekend of college football all year, rivalry weekend. Georgia v Georgia Tech, Alabama v Auburn, Virginia v Virginia Tech, Clemson v South Carolina, Cal v Stanford, Oregon v Oregon State, Ohio State v Michigan. You kidding me? Also, Thanksgiving Day football. As American as apple pie.
Holidays: Thanksgiving. Black Friday (if you’re into being a lunatic). Great fall holiday to kick off the holiday season. I know a lot of people who say Thanksgiving is their favorite holiday, and for that, I’m thankful.
6. September: School’s back, Football’s back
Weather: Late summer/early fall is god damn gorgeous. You get your hot days but some perfectly pleasant days creep in towards the end of the month and holy shit it’s bliss.
Sports: Baseball is in pennant season but more importantly, football has just kicked off. No one knows who’s real yet in college or the NFL but they are playing it out and we get our first picture at the state of teams across the country. The hype amounted to the kickoff holy shit it’s back!
Holidays: Labor day? I only put a question mark because it’s basically a made up holiday celebrating workers to help everyone cope with summer officially ending. Plan something fun because it’s your last national holiday for a while but other than that, September is a dry month.
7. June: Weather & Summer hype
Weather: By far this month’s best claim to fame. Late spring/early summer, gorgeous days all around.
Sports: Baseball, the US Open, the World Cup every 4 years. Not much. I do love the US Open though, watching a course absolutely embarrass the best golfers in the world will never not bring me joy. And when the World Cup does roll around, I’m about it. More for the fan celebration videos than the actual soccer but whatever.
Holidays: Feliz navi-Nada
8. March: Madness & Alcohol
Weather: Pretty fucking terrible. Might tease you with a 63 degree day here or there but it’s unwanted snow, cold rain, or just awkward bullshit.
Sports: NBA, NHL, but most importantly, College Basketball and MARCH MADNESS. God damn is that shit fire every god damn year. A+ entertainment. Fill out a bracket, be brutally wrong, lose money, and love every second of it. And what really goes under the radar here is conference tournament week. That provides as much madness as the actual tourney most years.
Holidays: St. Patrick’s Day. Did you know that Saint Patrick was actually Italian, not Irish? Whatever. Drink your face off in miserable weather because you hadn’t had a reason to drink outside since the fall.
9. May: Warmth & MDW
Weather: Pretty great once the warmth gets consistent but still deep in allergy season.
Sports: Baseball still in early season. Thankfully you get the NBA and NHL playoffs going on simultaneously. If it wasn’t for that, May might be the worst sports month of the year.
Holidays: Memorial Day Weekend. The official kickoff to Summer. That’s a big fucking deal. The first long weekend with good weather and everyone makes plans to drink in the sun. It’s like 4th of July’s little cousin.
10. April: Playoff Sports & Easter
Weather: Erratic but some great days for sure. You’ll get a cold 45 degree rain but a nice 70 degree day a week later. Beginning of allergy season. Above average but not elite.
Sports: Final Four, The Masters, late season NHL/NBA, NFL Draft, MLB Opening Day. Side note: Just trying to clear the air, why does everyone go crazy for opening day? It’s 1 out of 162 games and no one knows anything. The previous season had only ended like 5 months ago, not a long wait. Very meh.
Holidays: Easter, Passover (I think?). More on the religious end with familial gatherings. Nothing to write home about. Cause you’ll be there.
11. January: Resolutions & giving up those resolutions
Sports: NFL Playoffs, College Football Playoff, NBA, College Hoops, NHL. You’ve got plenty going on to keep you on the coach and entertained.
Holidays: New Year’s Day of course. National hangover day. Resolutions really take the driver’s seat for 72 hours once that hangover subsides. Not very significant IMO. You also have MLK Day giving you a much needed day off in the doldrums of winter.
12. February: Love & Snow
Weather: Dead of winter. No.
Sports: Super Bowl the first weekend, mid season NBA, College Basketball, NHL. Perfect month to get on a great Netflix binge.
Holidays: Day off for President’s Day but that takes a back seat to Valentine’s Day. Depends who you are. Kinda just feels like a lot of unnecessary pressure and too much spending on one day but you should just try to make the most of it.
There you go, not a single month from 1 to 6 is better than any month 7 to 12. Of the people I asked for their power rankings, June was by far the month of the 1st half that got the most love.
Try to enjoy these first six months, they’re not all bad.