Superwomen, also known as women who are tougher than me aka a piece I could write every single day about ladies displaying a toughness I cannot quite fathom. But, for today’s edition we’re looking at Joanne Barnaby, who along with her faithful pooch, Joey, okie-doked a hungry wolf along with a fearless mom out of Colorado.
Joanne Barnaby was deep in the deadfall, smeared in mosquitoes and blood, dehydrated and near exhaustion, when she heard the call of a mama bear searching for its cub.
Barnaby couldn’t believe her luck.
That is a real excerpt from the WaPo piece about this… Only my girl Joanne would be stoked about hearing a “mama bear” looking for her cub while simultaneously being tailed by a wolf.
But, let us back up. This is all started when Joanne was on the prowl for some mushrooms (I see you Joanne, I see you) in the Canadian wilderness and she spotted her aforementioned companion, Joey, in a growling contest with a black (albeit a skinny one, but I don’t think a angry predator’s nutrition is very important here) wolf.
This is all after she got separated from her human companion and while Joanne is a standoff in the heart of Mother Nature, her friend was in the car honking the horn, eating, and waiting…
Eventually her pal got worried, flagged down some guys driving by for assistance and went in after Joanne (can’t imagine a situation where anyone I know would be down to head into the woods to save a stranger when asked by a random woman on the side of the highway).
Meanwhile a 12 hour game of cat and mouse ensues and eventually that mama bear comes back into play. Joanne sees the bear’s cub and approaches it, the wolf continues to follow and all of a sudden mama bear comes barreling through the woods to protect her offspring and luckily focuses her rage on our pesky, yet determined, wolf.
What on God’s green earth Joanne? Just bringing one very dangerous animal into a situation where you’re already dealing with a very dangerous animal?
This would lead most people to just getting mollywhopped and torn in two, birds would start singing and all the animals of the forest would come to celebrate as they all bonded over a feast of human flesh. But not Joanne, not Joanne Barnaby, she’s too smart for that and 16 hours later she touched back down on the highway’s pavement, no longer a mushroom seeker, but a legend.
A mountain lion, seen in north-west Wyoming. Photograph: Neil Wight/AP
Next up, we’ve got a mother, no name, no nothing, not out here for the fame, who saved her five year old son from a mountain lion. This story out of Colorado provided very little detail, oh besides the fact our mom here “physically removed her son from the mountain lion.”
Sweet Jesus, can we get the lady’s name here? Where do we file paperwork to get her a medal or throw her a parade? I guess no where because the bulk of this article just taught you how to spook a mountain lion:
“Throw stones, branches or whatever you can get your hands on without crouching down or turning your back,” officials recommend. “Wave your arms slowly and speak firmly. What you want to do is convince the lion you are not prey and that you may in fact be a danger to the lion.”
So, basically if you see a mountain lion you better be goddamn Stretch Armstrong or Michael Jordan from Space Jam because you have to pick up sticks and rocks without bending down while acting like a wacky wavy inflatable arm flailing tubeman.
Shouts to the Washington Post and the Guardian
P.S. Thought a Wonder Woman/Supergirl photo would be appropriate for a featured image, but nah don’t google that shit unless you want a glimpse into what the human mind can cook up when it loves superheroes as much as it hates decency.