Ok, so we’ve all dated someone we’ve really been into and have had it eventually go south when it wasn’t particularly your choice (and if you haven’t, well screw you perfect human) and when that person gets a new boo post breakup there is tenfold increase in emotional instability.
So, now the question is how do you cope with such a traumatic event. Well, lucky for you that what I’m here for with the definitive step by step guide to combatting your desire to drink yourself stupid and watch rom coms (don’t worry that still is crucial step in recovery). Ideally you’d just move on yourself and get a better looking, more intellectually stimulating partner (or fling) and pound social media with images of you two soaking up the good life, but if that’s your plan than all I can say is good luck and more power to you. But for all you average folks out there this is your go to scheme:
Step 1: Avoid their social media accounts at all costs
Nothing will derail your progress like getting lost in an ex’s tweets or instagram posts about their new lover, everything they do will seem awesome and perfect even if in reality it totally sucks. Don’t get dragged into that spiral or Step 2 will get drawn out way too long
Step 2: Vices and binging
Don’t be afraid to go out and grab a bottle (I’d suggest Knob Creek 100 proof) and settle in. Shut the lights down and boot up a new game (currently I’d say get into Uncharted 4) or utilize this dark time this time to binge watch a serious you’ve been meaning to catch up on (Bloodline, Peaky Blinders, OJ: Made in America, etc.) or just rampant movie watching. Let the darkness and booze wash over you as you struggle through a form of entertainment that is normally very enjoyable.
Also suggest giving Drake’s Views an excessive amount of listens, nothing says I can’t cope with love like Drake’s latest offering.
Step 3: Hit the bars
One crucial part of this form of self loathing is that you are entitled to a weekend at the bars getting to be the person who drinks their feelings and probably sends a few suspect texts that may hit or miss (they’re going to miss 99% of the time, so don’t let that discourage you). This is the seminal moment of the process where you need a buddy who confidently throws an arm around you and tells you they’re going to get you laid (even though they definitely won’t succeed).
Step 4: Let your pettiness fuel you
That’s right, don’t hesitate to let your former partner’s new found happiness course through your veins like a drug that can only be cultivated using broken hearts. This form of rock bottom is the perfect opportunity to get your shit together, start hitting the gym, start grinding at work, start acquiring new skills. Basically this is the point where your mindset needs to be “next time this person sees me they’re going to regret that we went our separate ways.”
And yeah, that shit is childish, but the high road is for people who haven’t had their heart ripped out and nothing great emerges when things are going good and rainbows and unicorns and that all. Got to take this opportunity to let your heartache represent the pressure that turns garbage rocks into diamonds and all that cliche nonsense.
Step 5: The subtweet
This is the proverbial nail in the coffin. So, peep Step 1 again, see the part about listening to Views? This is where you utilize those hours of listening. You toss on Redemption, one final recovery drink may be in order for this one, let those lyrics wash over you as your high proof booze does the same over your bloodstream and your heart.
Save this tweet for a Friday or Saturday night, a time when chances are they’ll be a little loose so you can really get in their feels when they see it. So, when the time strikes tweet the following:
You might catch flack for being sappy, but the squad should know this is a coping mechanism. This is your turn to take the high road, except for the fact when your ex sees it chances are they’re going to pop the song on and then that’s a mother-you-know-what-in wrap. You become the forefront of their mind for another deep moment and you are free.
Then it’s time to get back out there.