Last night was the reason the internet is the greatest invention of all time. As we were all battling the Sunday Scaries trying to get to sleep at a decent hour Kim Kardashian dropped this bombshell on us and we promptly were glued to our phones for the next 5 hours:
Wait it's legit National Snake Day?!?!?They have holidays for everybody, I mean everything these days! ?????????????????????????????????????
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 17, 2016
do u guys follow me on snap chat? u really should ðŸ˜‰
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 18, 2016
Now the lead up to all this began when Kanye dropped “Famous” and the now infamous lines:
When things really started to hit the fan, Ye took to twitter in a rant that included some clarifications on how the lines came to be:
Which, Taylor then promptly responded to during her Grammy acceptance speech:
Then in defense of her man’s honor, Kim K clapped back in an interview with GQ and brought to our attention that a videotape recording (and when you know when there are whispers of a videotape involving a Kardashian that it’s a wise bet to assume it’s true):
But, this story doesn’t stop there as we all know, it got so, so much more amazing. In June TMZ learned that Swift had threatened legal action against Kimye (celeb combo names will rank amongst the reason civilization eventually ceases to exist).
The letter threatens … “Demand is hereby made that you immediately destroy all such recordings, provide us of assurance that this has been done, and also assurance that these recordings have not been previously disseminated.”
So, now at this point Kanye has said Swift approved it, Kim has said there is a recording, and Taylor herself has confirmed it.
But, before we get into the monumental evening that was Sunday July 17th, 2016, we must backtrack to when puppet master Taylor first got the ball rolling and it coincided with the decline of her romance with rub and tug enthusiast, Calvin Harris.
Word on the street is Swift dumped Harris over the phone (eerily similar to how Joe Jonas squashed their romance with a 27 second rendition of his best attempt at “it’s not you, it’s me”).
But then things start to get just absolutely delicious and we really see Swift begin pulling the strings. Next arrives on the scene is new Bond frontrunner, Tom Hiddleston, as him and T Swift are seen being very comfortable at her spot in Rhode Island.
And for the following months we get a flood of very suspect-too-good-to-be-true images of the two in very precarious and potentially staged environments.
Oh, yes, staged indeed *slowly rubs hands together* let us all bask in this deep dive and let the conspiracy theories wash over us.
Paparazzi caught a personal photographer of Swift’s at her 4th of July bash earlier this month and surrounding this time rumors that she regularly has been planting staged paparazzi members to take photos of the couple. And then that idea is reenforced when you take into account majority, if not all, of the photos hail from the same agency.
This practice in itself isn’t that uncommon. A lot of celebrities get annoyed by being blown up everywhere they go, so it’s easier to just let someone you actually know grab some glamour shots of you to keep the fame hungry peasants like you and me satisfied.
But, then consider some key elements of these pictures (BuzzFeed did a full breakdown here):
#Hiddleswift all started on that rocky beach… similar to her time spent with the team leader of now irrelevant descendants of politicians, Conor Kennedy (one “N” Connors are notoriously destined for failure).
Then her well-publicized trip across the pond to visit Hiddleston’s family really brought back memories of a similar trip she made with Harry Styles.
Then we have the return of a yellow dress-red lipstick combo pulled out of the closet from her Kennedy days.
T Swift also brought the headband look back for the first time since 2012, as she transforms from the platinum blonde robot woman back to her endearing pre-Calvin Harris self.
And last, but not least how about Swift dusting off this old number from her Harry Styles era to rock with Hiddleston on their first publicized date, she even paired it with a similarly ugly and misplaced sweater.
So, as people started catching wind of these similar situations the conspiracy theorists really got the wheels turning suggesting this all may be Swift laying the groundwork for a new music video.
This whole relationship will turn out to be an elaborate piece of performance art, mark my words https://t.co/ed6PxkKznJ
— Anita Singh (@anitathetweeter) July 4, 2016
Which, takes us back to one of the many climaxes (I understand by definition climax is suppose to be the main event, but in this world they’re occurring more or less everyday) of the madness at Taylor’s 4th of July banger.
Now hiring a photographer to take photos of your rich squad is by no means a crime, but making Hiddleston go swimming with an “I <3 T.S.” tank top certainly is. Like come on bro, you pushed the boundaries of the allowance of nudity on The Night Manager, and now you’re out here covering up? That’s the fishiest part, sign me up for team “Swift is making her own version of Lemonade.”
Ok, stick with me, we’re almost caught up to present day.
Last week Harris came out of the woodwork with some classic ex-boyfriend tweets after People Magazine reported that it had been confirmed Swift wrote Harris’ latest Top 40 gem, “This Is What You Came For.”
And as Juliet Litman and Amanda Dobbins noted on the latest edition of Jam Session, it is a bit odd that in today’s age of the “I was hacked” defense, Harris let these tweets continue to exist in all of their glory on his feed.
And now… finally we arrive at the greatest moment to date in this illustrious history of twitter… The Video.
Aaaaand there we have it, the hammer has been dropped. Kanye just working Taylor over with his whole nice schtick and she’s just eating that shit right up… or did she?
Taylor’s squad made sure to come to their girl’s defense.
There are more important things to talk about… Why can't people use their voice for something that fucking matters?
— Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) July 18, 2016
It's pathetic how quick our culture is to sensationalize a fabricated story..
— Martha Hunt (@MarthaHunt) July 18, 2016
Everyone in this industry needs to get their heads out of a hole and look around to realize what's ACTUALLY happening in the REAL world
— Chloë Grace Moretz (@ChloeGMoretz) July 18, 2016
But the Kardashian’s refuse to go quietly into the good night.. Khloe pops back with an absolute HAYMAKER.
fact check: first photo is me filming my movie Neighbors 2, the second photo is some girl who was wrongfully photographed
— Chloë Grace Moretz (@ChloeGMoretz) July 18, 2016
And of course Kourtney couldn’t allow a fame opportunity to get passed her, and as the most criminally underrated Kardashian, I’m in full support.
If I ever need a hype man I know @khloekardashian has my back.
— Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) July 18, 2016
And while it’s entertaining to see some chicks I know very little about and a few reality TV stars weigh in, let’s keep moving, get passed the undercard, and get back to the main event.
Now, this is where things get oh so amazing. Peep the top right corner of that post, notice how it says “Search,” instead of “Notes,” which occurs when you search (duh) through your notes instead of just selecting the top choice.
So, did she compose this when threats of releasing the tape first emerged? Did she have her PR team send it to her? Was it composed at an earlier date to be released strategically because she knew Kim was going to leak the video?
Sidenote: the only negative part of this was the slew of Twitter lawyers that came out of nowhere trying to break down wire-tapping law and I think Barstool Sports’ John Feitelberg summed up how most of us were feeling:
And I guess the night wasn’t that great for everyone…
And Larry King just had no goddamn idea what was going on.
Do conjoined twins go to England so the other one can drive the car?#ItsMy2Cents
— Larry King (@kingsthings) July 18, 2016
So, at the end of the day we have two of the greatest manipulators in pop-culture history, one, a talentless reality star who has managed to get her entire family paid beyond any of our wildest dreams (get it?) and another, the uber talented, but potentially insane pop star.
We can see Taylor crafting this perfect story that will manifest itself in the performance art piece of a life-time. Just collecting photos that reimagine her past relationships through her new boo, Hiddleston. Just slowly laying the groundwork to bury every guy that she didn’t let get to second base.
Then Kim comes in and actually succeeds in breaking the internet, unlike with that stupid booty picture paired with a facial expression that still regularly haunts me to this day.
But, what if, these two are working in tandem, what if we’re all just spectators in the greatest mass manipulation of the public the world has seen since Donald Trump tricked everyone into handing him the Republican nomination?
I’m just waiting for everyone to pick sides, get ready to die on the hill for their chosen superstar and then for us to get a full length movie starring Tom Hiddleston with a Ye x Taylor Swift soundtrack featuring Calvin Harris and apparently Tinashe that gets peddled like crack via Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
Granted no one likes getting tricked, but as long as Lena Dunham isn’t in on this ruse then bring. it. on.
Stay woke fam, we’re all just going along for the ride.