“New Year’s Eve is like the death of a pet, you know it’s going to happen, but somehow you’re never really prepared for how truly awful it is.”
–John Oliver
Full disclaimer: I hate that I used a corny “X reasons” title for this post, but here we are and here we go.
New Year’s Eve is the trash can emoji version of a holiday.
Every year you get hyped to go all out for New Year’s Eve, hit the town, have a so-so time at best, then forget that it wasn’t all that fun and get jacked up for it next year all over again.
So, here I am to explain to you why you wake up each year on January 1st, look back on the night before, and think “meh.”
1. The fun to expense ratio is way out of whack
Arguably, from high school and beyond, the most fun you have with your friends involves a couple of adult beverages. And that literally is what makes New Years Eve what it is. Except instead heading to the local bar and spending $20-$60, you’re dropping $20 minimum just get through the door.
“Oh, but there are open bar deals!” They cry.
Yeah, and those will run you $100+. While in theory that sounds like a good deal, I don’t know many people who are putting down that dollar equivalent in well drinks, cheap wine and a line so long you’ll wish you were home on your couch drinking wine from the bottle.
That didn’t even factor in the new duds or shiny dress you’ve got to get for the occasion and the price of cabs/limos/Uber/Your friend’s little brother.
2. It’d be easier to find the lost city of El Dorado than a DD for New Year’s Eve
It’s completely understandable that no one wants to be stuck being the designated driver on this day of all days. It just means you get stuck paying the outrageous cover and shepherding your crew through the night without the return of the turn up.
3. It’s basically Valentine’s Day lite
New Year’s Even is a big deal for couples. You have to get all dolled up and plan that kiss at midnight just right. Which, sure, always great to see couples in love, yada yada yada.
But, if you’re the single one in your crew, it’s like Valentine’s Day for your couple friends, except you’re invited.
And a real pressure exists to partner up, not having a kiss at midnight is like not having a significant other on V-Day, but worse.
Because instead of spending the night at home alone and feeling sorry for yourself, you’re standing around tens, potentially hundreds, of couples locking lips while you’re standing there with your drink awkwardly acting like watching the ball drop on the television has your attention at that moment.
4. Everyone is out there shooting their shot
The combination of the midnight kiss and alcohol flow associated with New Year’s Eve means everyone will be experiencing the very dangerous combination of maximum courage and desperation.
So, even if you are a part of a couple chances are you and your counterpart will be looking your best, which is a recipe for awkwardness when gross dudes and sloppy chicks are throwing their best shots at your date. The ball is in your court, and sometimes that ball doesn’t leave you alone all night.
5. Someone will cry
Someone will end up crying this weekend. Mark my words. You know it, I know it, there’s not really any rhyme or reason for it, but it will happen.
Some guy you’re best friend likes will end up kissing someone else, a couple will break up due to the stress of bringing in the New Year the most amazing way possible, someone will say “drunk words are sober thoughts” and accuse someone of god only knows what, somehow there will be tears.
6. Someone will get way, way too drunk
Each time you go out someone inevitably gets way too drunk and that gets magnified on New Year’s Eve. Except instead of being able to casually escort someone to the bathroom or taking them home, you’re dealing with hoards of people, insane lines, which creates a scenario where you are virtually trapped with a drunken monster.
7. BONUS: You will drunk text
Put. The. Phone. Down…I pray for everyone who will inevitably drunk text their ex when they don’t find that midnight kiss they imagined. Also for everyone who is playing their cards with people of their past while back in town, and the ones finding new love on Tinder.
In short, I will be praying for everyone. May you wake up with full wallets and empty inboxes this New Year’s Day.