The Bachelor season 21 premiered on Monday and 2BD writers Jack & Connor shamelessly tuned in for one purpose and one purpose only: hot takes.
Here are all girls that survived to see week 2:
Jack – How Nick gave Josephine a rose is beyond comprehension. She entered the show with a book in hand saying “you’re a wiener in my book” and there was a wiener in the book. She then proceeded to lady and the tramp a RAW HOT DOG with him in which they both admitted was gross. The ONLY way this could have been a power move is if she went hot dog deep and landed a kiss on his lips. But nope, she’s a #justthetip kind of gal and Nick took notice. Surprised she got a rose. She’ll be gone within 2 episodes.
Connor – She went all lady and the tramp with a raw hot dog, absolutely unacceptable behavior for a future wife or really any sane human.
Jack – This girl has absolutely no dignity and should send herself home. She’s already had sex with the bachelor at her friend’s wedding and he didn’t even remember her. Do yourself a favor and send yourself home, Liz.
Connor – Any girl who is OK with someone forgetting that they spent time inside of them has such low faith in their sex game that it’s impossible for them to survive in a game show with 30 catty girls.
Jack – This girl makes Dads around America CRINGE. She made an entrance with her sexuality in full flare, asking Nick, “do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? “I don’t,” said Nick. “Neither do I,” Hailey purred.
I’m not a Dad so that joke was ok in my book.
Connor – Came out absolutely guns blazing with a no underwear joke and also reportedly consulted with fellow Canadian Damn Daniel from last season of the Bachelorette, so there’s a better than 50/50 shot she ends up naked in a pool before she gets bounced.
Jack – I don’t trust girls who spell Kristen with a CH. Also she’s a slim 11 years younger than the bachelor. But then again that, along with red dresses, seems to be the theme of the season. My guess is Nick will hire this wedding videographer for his wedding when he marries somebody else.
Connor – Looks maybe 12 years old and is low key waiting until marriage, which there is nothing wrong with unless of course you’re on a dating show where one guy has the pick of 20+ other women ready to throw it at him, but to each their own.
Jack – Most outrageous contestant. She is an “aspiring dolphin trainer” and showed up in a god damn shark suit. It was definitely a shark suit because dolphins don’t have gills. I looked it up. But this dolphin enthusiast was relentless held her ground all night long. She was so confident in herself that even I began to question myself, and I like that. I also respect that she was able to make it through an intense night in that full-body costume without sweating. She’s into some weird shit and apparently so is Nick based on the fact he gave her a rose over any other normal girl he dropped.
Connor – I respect how adamant she was that she was indeed a dolphin and not a shark and I also respect her just preposterous level of drunkenness to meet not only the Bachelor, but America. However, I do not respect the fact there is zero truth behind the fact she’s an aspiring dolphin trainer. A) She apparently has no idea what a dolphin even looks like and B) She’s from Secaucus, New Jersey, which has a dolphin population of approximately 0.
Jack – 5 things Astrid said she couldn’t live without are her Mom, phone, fake eyelashes, yoga and wine. This girl is the epitome of a burnt out srat star and every psycho ex-girlfriend you’ve ever had. Don’t be fooled by her inevitably killer instagram presence. Run while you can, Nick.
Connor – I’m not totally sure Astrid isn’t a time traveler from the past since the last baby girl to be named Astrid must’ve been born pre-Great Depression. And due to her weird German speaking introduction to Nick I’m a little worried she may not be fighting on our side.
Jack – She introduced herself and immediately asked Nick if she could do a colonoscopy. Nick isn’t 50, and her occupation is a “travel nurse” which I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not that’s real.
Connor – Came out of the gates with an aggressive “let me pretend to anally penetrate you” bit, that may have rubbed some people (everyone) the wrong way. Apparently Nick is a little more adventurous than we thought since she got a rose without getting another second more of significant screen time.
Jack – A villain from the get-go. Producers are keeping her because the show needs somebody like her but oh my god what an awful human being. She’s 24 and still has a nanny that makes her snacks while she looks out her office window overseeing the beaches of Miami. She runs a multi-million dollar business, but not yet because her Father hasn’t handed it over to her yet. This girl is a nutjob waiting for the next thing to be handed to her and she’s in luck, a show where she may win a husband. Let’s ignore the back she’s 12 years younger than him and sit back and enjoy the show.
Connor – This season’s villain and inspiration for America’s favorite new drinking game, which involves shots every time she says “multi-million dollar company,” aka we’re all dying from alcohol poisoning by episode 5. And in regards to that I’m not entirely sure her dad didn’t just opened up a Word document and typed “Corinne’s Company” as the header and lets her play on it like Ryan did with Creed on The Office. P.S. I feel so bad for her, no one wants to hear their daughter say they have a “platinum vagine,” especially not when everyone in the country gets to hear it too.
Jack – She said the craziest thing she’s ever done in her life was “rope swing from a rope which had a sign that said “locals only” but I did it anyways.” Something tells me she’s a dud and it’s not her fake boobs. Wait no, it’s the foobs.
Connor – I suspect she may have some fake “assets” but she started her own business at 23 and I’m 24 and just bought my first pan two days ago, so I should probably just shut up.
Jack – Her job is helping ill babies in Nashville and is
probably definitely the sweetest contestant this show has ever seen and I’m in love. Don’t listen to Connor he’s just following my lead. I pray to god she gets booted from the show immediately so I can buy a 1 way ticket to Nashville and help her save babies and live happily ever after. Seriously, don’t listen to Connor.
Connor – It’s always such a magical moment when you first lay eyes on the love of your life. A soft spoken, NICU nurse from Nashville via Wisconsin is so much wholesomeness wrapped up into one person that someone who has been featured multiple times in the Bachelor franchise definitely does not deserve her.
Jack – Her dream date with any trio would be eating Chipotle with her Grandfather, Jesus and Leonardo DiCaprio. To me that is a girl with her head straight on her shoulders. Seems like a solid pick and I hope she goes far, but her lack of air time suggests otherwise.
Connor – Says she usually meets her guys on Tinder and Bumble, which says something about her, but I’m not sure what because my whole life I’ve been convinced no one actually meets people on those things, but maybe that’s just me…
Jack – She wants her kids to go to her high school. Is Nick willing to move to Dallas, Texas? Nope. She’s out next episode.
Connor – Who?
Jack – Something about her face tells me she can get really really really mean. She gets cut next episode.
Connor – Took a brief pause when she said she had balls, had no idea if the Bachelor was about to go, and excuse my language, balls to the wall to make up for their lack of diversity in previous seasons. She’s got a bit of spunk, but I’m not sure she has a the killer instinct to survive America’s most grueling contest.
Jack – She somehow got a rose after getting shut down after asking for more time with Nick. Not just shut down, he shut her down in front of the whole gang in order to spend time with someone else. Tough break, but she is an NBA dancer which is why I bet Nick kept her on his radar. However, I don’t think they’ll be dancing together at his wedding.
Connor – A Golden State Warriors dancer *insert awful blows 3-1 lead joke here* and also said she would places with Guy Fieri for a day if she could, which is as confusing as it is arousing.
Jack – She is adopted, and there is a strong chance she was once Anna Kendrick’s sister. But the fact she was crying in episode 1 leaves me no option but to assume she’s a shit-show waiting to blow, no chance she makes it unless Anna comes in to help a sister out.
Connor – A bootleg Anna Kendrick who spent the entire episode crying over a guy she met like 7 minutes ago. Doesn’t say a ton about her mental fortitude and I have a feeling she might get eaten alive out here. When she eventually does get sent home the amount of tears that will be shed will be unlike any display of waterworks any of us have seen since our childhood trips to Zoom Flume.
Jack – She came in on a camel and all the other girls couldn’t believe that they were undermined by a girl on a camel. Lacey is an innovator and I’m excited to see her next move. She’s going far in this competition.
Connor – Came in like an Cleopatra via camel (I have no idea the historical accuracy of that statement) and then hit Nick with a good hump based zinger to really get the blood pumping. She also got all the girls stirring with how good said arrival was, always a good move to let everyone know you mean business, the same rules apply on the Bachelor as in prison.
Jack – You can take a girl out of the midwest but you can’t take the midwest out of a girl. She’s a handful and I don’t know if Nick can handle that, she’s gone in 2 episodes.
Connor – “Faith. Family. Football.” God Bless America and God Bless Arkansas. She seems to have a little rapport working with Nick, but if things don’t work out I’m pretty sure every man south of the Mason Dixon would sign up to be her bachelor.
Jack – She looks like a mix of Sarah Hyland and Sofia Vergara and that is a winning formula for a long run this season.
Connor – She has a great smile… that’s all I got.
Jack – Her gut-wrenchingly awkward intro may have been exaggerated by ABC’s editors, or she has crippling anxiety, and for that I think she picked the wrong primetime show to be herself on.
Connor – Started things off with the brutal “my friends say you’re a piece of shit” opening followed by seemingly an eternity of dead air before trying to salvage the moment. But, apparently Nick likes getting verbally abused since he rolled with it and it was brought up again during their 1 v 1.
Jack – The most romantic thing Vanessa has ever received “is a promise ring.” Which is bad news for promiscuous Nick? She also said if she were to be a fruit or vegetable she would be an onion. An ONION. Not even an blooming onion from Outback, a raw fucking onion. This girl stinks just like her breath. And I can’t wait for her to make somebody cry so I can follow up with these onion jokes.
Connor – She was the one that Corinne interrupted to steal the first kiss of the season, in the dog eat dog world of the Bachelor you can’t start things off by letting a grown woman with a nanny jack your spot. She’s as lovely as she is doomed.
Jack – This girl was a power contestant from the start. Her poised demeanor and attorney status showed everyone she’s not here to mess around. She’s going to make it far this season, but I could see Nick giving her the boot for the tooth gap. Hate to say it but Nick is a prick and that’s not news.
Connor – I wish she didn’t immediately bring Michael Strahan to mind, but other than that she seems like her life is way, way too together to be on this show. I hope Nick realizes that and lets her go sooner rather later.
Jack – Who?
Connor – Again, who?