Katy Perry’s New Album Is Not Worth Your Time

Have you heard about the recent Twitter conspiracy theory that some sort of devil flew out of Miley Cyrus and went inside Katy Perry? Yeah, I totally believe it. That explains why Miley’s new look is stunning and Katy’s looks, um… different than before. (You can literally see a monster coming out of her most recent album cover.)


The theory also explains why Katy Perry’s new music is putting me to sleep. On Friday, she released her new album “Witness.” Hits like “Chained To The Rhythm” and “Bon Appétit” – already established radio hits (although they did not stay around very long) are on this album, but they are the only songs that are really worth listening to. All the other ones sound like shitty remixes to songs no one has ever heard of.


To be honest, in almost every track I felt like I was listening to 2008 Lady Gaga. It felt too techno and a bit auto-tuned. It’s not a good look when it’s tough to tell the difference between tracks. 

Well, one song stuck out to me, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it. “Swish Swish” is a catchy song, but the lyrics are absolutely hysterical. I’m sorry, but how do you sing “swish swish bish, another one in the basket” without laughing?!

I was also looking a powerful ballad that would make me say, “Wow Katy, that song made me feel on top of the world!” Something like “Unconditionally” or “Rise” would’ve done the trick, but sadly there wasn’t one in this album. I was disappointed to say the least.

My sincere apologies to all the KatyCats out there, but this album is simply not that good.

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