If You Told Me 5 Years Ago This Would Be A Real NBC Headline I Would Have Laughed In Your Face

The year is 2013. ”Call Me Maybe” is playing on the radio and none of your friends are telling you to get into bitcoin. You’re in the sunrise of a refreshed Presidency. Obama is back, you see him giving an hour long State of the Union on television. It’s kind of boring, so you switch the channel and go back to your phone (because you were addicted then, too.)

You get into an internet spar with someone in your circle because you don’t see eye to eye on Obama’s approach to foreign affairs. How could they not see what you see? You sigh, but it doesn’t matter, you know America is in good hands and you carry on with your scrolling. Then you see this:

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Woah woah woah. First of all, 2020 sounds like the year I’ll be rested up in a nursing home. How is Trump still alive? You recalculate and realize that 2020 is only 7 years away, it’s a mild mindfuck to you. You tweet “Just realized 2020 is closer to now than 2000 is, OMG.” Then you go back to the headline…Woah woah woah. Trump, running for President?


“You’re fired!” his voice rattles from the television. He had just fired Gilbert Godfrey for putting on an incredibly inappropriate comedy set at a family dinner party while filming The Apprentice.

Trump goes light on Gilbert. “I hate to fire you Godfrey, you just aren’t a good fit. But I know you’ve made a lot of money doing this type of comedy, right?”

“Yes Mr. Trump,” “Godfrey babbles

“Ok, well that’s all that matters. Goodbye.” Trump shoes him into oblivion.

The show goes on, but you don’t. This guy could be running for President? NBC is reporting it and the concept of fake news isn’t even real news yet! And running against Oprah???? HA! Yeah right.

You laugh out loud.

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The year is 2018, the man from the TV is now the man in the White House. Oprah becomes your only hope for redemption. Who can beat Trump? 17 incredibly qualified Republicans sparring for the same job? Nope. A career-long politician who has full support of all living presidents and also became the first women nominated by a major party for President? Nope. Then…who?

How about the first black women so powerful you only need to call her by her first name? Maybe. The kicker which may push Oprah over the edge to a victory? The one thing she has that will absolutely squeeze the living daylights out of Trump’s ego…

Oprah has more money.

Winfrey, 63, has a net worth of $3.7 billion, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, boosted by a highly successful 10% investment in Weight Watchers. Trump, 71, is worth $2.9 billion, according to the same index — hurt by a drop in the value of three office properties in Manhattan. 

Oh man this will throw a whole bunch of people in a tizzy. A lot of people voted for Trump because of his wealth. “He’s done so great in business, he’ll do the same for America!” the coal miners screamed as he pranced through West Virginia before flying the fuck home to sleep in Trump Tower.

In my opinion, Oprah will be a fantastic contestant to the Trump era of presidency, where popularity overrides experience. Nobody is a smoother talker than Oprah. At the Golden Globes people were clapping for her 2 minutes before she was done speaking. She’s got the gift, she’s got the drive, she’s got the money, and she’s got the following…Now it just comes down to the hard fact, is America still as sexist and racist as we fear it to be?

We’ll find out in 2020.

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