I would like to first start out by apologizing for not writing my picks last week. I’m not a man of excuses, but I literally could not pick five games to bet on. The spreads were too close to call and I was scratching my head just to find one. The only thing I could come up with was the Packers in a pick’em game against that Lions and they eventually went on to lose by eight points. This week the lines are super tasty and I believe that I found 10 yes 10 games worth keeping an eye on. So I hope that makes up for the fact that I missed ya last week.
Side note: Did you see the Giants new mascot? I’ve got a picture below.
These fuckin guys are worse than a dumpster fire. They are literal flaming pieces of shit. So much hype and no payoff for the second year in a row. Maybe they should have hung onto McAdoodoo, but let’s not waste time here we have a lot of games to bet and a ton of money to make.
1: At Minnesota -10 Arizona
Arizona got their first win last week over a lackluster Niners team that has no starting quarterback nor a playmaker on either side of the ball. In the game rookie quarterback Josh Rosen completed only 10 passes and threw for less than 200 yards. It’s safe to say that this offense if pretty stagnant and I can’t see that changing on the road in the Twin City. The Vikings snapped a two-game skid last week in a narrow victory over Philly and I believe they have to start putting together wins in order to get to last year’s form. Kurk Cousins has the second most passing yards in the league so far and is in the top 10 in passing TDs. The Vikings will pillage the Cards and cover by more that 10 in a big game at home.
Final Score: Vikings 38 Cardinals 21
2: LA Chargers -1 At Cleveland
Can we just hold on for one goddam second and put down the Brown Hard Knocks Kool-Aid. These fuckin guys have the 27th ranked defense for yards allowed and are two weeks removed from the Raiders hanging 45 on them. In what world would there be almost no spread in this game!? Baker Mayfield is completing less than 60-percent of his passes. That’s almost a coin flip on whether his guy is going to catch the ball every time it comes out of his hand. I’ll give you the Browns have the second most rushing yards in the league, but the Chargers have a top 10 rushing D. Philip Rivers has 13 touchdown passes and only two interceptions this season for a team that I have as a dark horse to go to the Super Bowl. The Chargers are going to go into Cleveland and put Hue Jackson back on the hot seat.
Final Score: Chargers 28 Browns 21
3: At Washington -1 Carolina
Alex Smith is averaging less than one touchdown pass per game and the R$%skins are favored in this game!? What the actual fuck? This has to be a mistake. Cam Newton and company have scored over 30 points in their last two contests. Christian McCaffery is averaging over five yards per carry and catching the ball at seven yards a clip as this offense is shaped around this duel threat back. Combine that with a duel threat quarterback and you get a offense that is tough to bottle up. I don’t understand why the Panthers are not favored in this game. Take them and the points in a close one down the stretch.
Final Score Panthers 23 R%^skins 17
4: At NY Jets -2.5 Indianapolis
Let me just premise this pick by stating that I hate both teams. The Jets are the scum of the earth and the city of Indianapolis stole my beloved Firebirds which ended my childhood. It taught me the business side of the game, left a nasty taste in my mouth and and since then I have a distinct distain towards the goddam city of Indianapolis. Had to get that off my chest. Now I feel better even though I wasted half of this graph not talking about the game. That being said just because the Jets beat a bulshit Bronco team does not mean they should be favored in any game this season. The Colts are 1-4, despite Andrew Luck having a halfway decent year, and they desperately need a win. The Jets probably have been celebrating the blowout of the Broncos all week and will not be prepared. Take the points.
Final Score: Colts 23 Jets 20
5: At Cincinnati -2.5 Pittsburgh
The Pittsburgh Steelers will be in the AFC Championship game this year. The Cincinnati Bengals will not. The Steelers have beat the Bengals in their last six matchups and nine of their last 10. This divisional rivalry has been anything but the past few years. These two teams are averaging about 30 points per game and this one is lining up to be a shootout. It’s going to come down to a game winning drive in the fourth quarter. I trust Big Ben more than Big Red with the game on the line. And that’s why I give the edge to the Steelers. They will win outright and won’t need any points, but you have the luxury to take them.
Final Score: Steelers 35 Bengals 28
6: At Atlanta -3.5 Tampa Bay
The Bucs have the number one passing offense and are averaging 363.2 yards in the air per game. No one in the would would have guessed that heading into week six the Bucs would have more passing yards than the Bills and the Cardinals combined. That’s fuckin bonkers. Well guess what? That’s only translated to a .500 record and now they have to go play a desperate Falcon team who’s season is on the line. The Bucs are also coming off a bye on the heels of a 35 point blowout to the Bears where head coach Dirk Koetter claimed that everyone should be fired. Well bud I don’t think it’s going to get much better this week. Look for the Falcons to shit on the Bucs, but not that good luck bird shit that people talk about. It’s gonna be the kind that sends Tampa’s season into a tailspin.
Final Score: Falcons 31 Buccaneers 20
7: Seattle -3 At Oakland (which is really in London)
Quick rant: No one gives a fuck if the NFL grows the game internationally. We already tried NFL Europe in the 90s and that was a huge disaster. Traveling to London, especially from the west coast, is like blasting off into outer space and playing a game on the moon. Do you think these teams that are 800 miles apart are happy to travel over 5,000 miles to play each other just so the NFL can tap into the soccer market in England and a bunch of crooked toothed bad breath real football illeterates can blindly root for a game in which they have no experience playing? Ummmm noooo they aren’t! What the fuck are we doing here!? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!. Seahawks by a touchdown.
Final Score Seahawks 24 Raiders 17
8: At Houston -10 Buffalo
Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills and no one covers double digit points spreads and is as schizophrenic as Buffalo. These fuckers burned me hard a few weeks ago when they were 17 point underdogs to the Viking and not only did they cover, but they blew Minnesota out screwing me and half the nation out of a suicide pool. I’m not falling for that against. Josh Allen is on pace to have the worse statistical season of any quarterback in the history of this league, but when you tell the Bills they can’t do something they will do it anyway. Kinda like when you tell the Bills Mafia they can’t jump through a table. You better fuckin believe they’re gonna do it and they’re gonna do it well. Houston wins, but not by 10.
Final score Texans 28 Bills 23
9: LA Rams -7 At Denver
Last week the Rams had a little trouble putting away the Seahawks, but that was a divisional game. This game is not and the Rams are on pace to have an undefeated season and win the Super Bowl. The Broncos just got their brakes beat off 34-16 by the stinkin Jets. They would have lost by more, but a for sure pick six was stopped on the one yard line on the last play of the game. The Broncos have been searching for a quarterback since Peyton Manning and they went out and spent $36 mil on a two-year contract for Case Keenum. Hey how’s that working out for ya? I’ve got the stats and his five touchdown to seven pick ratio isn’t worth $36 yet alone $36 mil. Jon Elway needs to get his shit together. Rams by double digits.
Final Score: Rams 40 Broncos 24
10: At New England -3.5 Kansas City
Kermit the frog ehem I mean Patrick Mahomes is looking to rewrite the record books in his first year as an NFL starter. His 14 touchdowns leads the league and he’s averaging over 300 yards passing per game. He’s got a strong arm and a quick release that people are comparing to Marino, Favre and Elway. The only blemish he’s had this season was a couple weeks ago on Monday night when the Chiefs narrowly beat the Broncos 27-23. In that game Mahomes threw for only one score and looked a little rattled under the bright lights. And that was against a shit bag team. This week they are playing in prime time on Sunday against Tom mother fuckin Brady. Mahomes still has a lot of learning to doand this week his age will show. Pats mop the floor with the Chiefs and the nation jumps on the TB12 diet. I hope you’re ready to shovel down some avocado ice cream.
Final Score: Patriots 33 Chiefs 24
Well there you have it folks 10 guaranteed* winners. If you parlay all 10 games for $100 you will win 100k. That’s a nice chunk of change and again I don’t charge like most sharks, but I’m still taking donations. Just venmo me some money or hit me up to buy a bag of beef jerky. Happy Sunday y’all.
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