I’m On the Hunt For a New Sleeping Partner (No Strings Attached)

Nothing like a somewhat misleading headline to get your attention, right? Yeah, I know how the internet works. This could’ve been the perfect follow up to the blog post Jimmy wrote (but I never let him publish) about me joining Bumble for ONE DAY –but instead, my lust for a partner in bed has nothing to do with anything romantic or physical whatsoever.

The partner I am currently seeking ATM is soft and cuddly, but with no strings attached. To put it more simply…I sleep with a stuffed animal when there is no other human in my bed for me to hold onto throughout the night. Go ahead, judge me! It’s just a habit.

Now, I’m not some freak with an obsession with a childhood teddy bear that is torn to shreds from 20+ years ago. The bear I sleep with right now has absolutely no significance to me. I just really like to hold onto it when I sleep. That’s it.

I can’t even remember who gave it to me –some boy in high school, I suppose. OK yes I do his name is Travis and he’s married now. No big deal. Not bitter about it. And listen, I don’t travel with the bear or nothin’ so in other situations, grasping onto a pillow for the night will do just fine.

But here’s the thing. My current sleeping mate is getting a little old. He’s got a hole in his neck, and I’m afraid one cycle in the washing machine would end his time on earth, and in my bed, forever. When he goes, I won’t be sad because like I said, this is essentially a friends with benefits situation. except I’m the only party who benefits considering stuffed animals don’t have feelings. Anyway….

How does an adult woman go about purchasing a new stuffed animal to sleep with? It’s just such a regular part of my sleep schedule now that I feel like I’m accustomed to having something to hold on to throughout the night. It could be anything –no emotion here, just someonething to spend my nights with.

Toys ‘R Us is closed so there’s nowhere to go with a wide selection of sleeping partners I can try before I buy, I have no small children in my family or immediate social circle who could be my coverup for such a purchase, and plus, I don’t even know what I’m looking for! This is ridiculous, but extremely necessary that I find something that satisfies my nighttime needs. Suggestions are appreciated.



1 Comment

  1. Michael Hallisey

    I feel your pain. Build a Bear. (We didn’t have this conversation.)


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