Science: Sunglasses Make You ~3 Points Hotter

I made a shocking scientific discovery this weekend, and it’s been right in front of my nose this whole time.

I went to Lake Placid this weekend to play some hockey with a group of Queensbury degenerates and we†played some hockey, drank some beer (sober January lasted a whopping 11 days) and had a great time. After falling in and out and then back in and then back out of love with yet another blonde haired rocket (love is indeed a battlefield, Pat Benatar), posting an 0-3 record and walking home one night in dash 20 degree weather, it was finally time to pack up shop and head home.

Roadtrips with the boys go pretty much as youíd picture it, talk some puck, rip a couple farts, stop to get some grub and of course talk about girls. Everything was fine and dandy up until my bud said something that shook me to the core. ďYeah man, its a fact. Every girl in the universe looks hotter with sunglasses on.Ē For dramatic effect I could tell you I pulled my truck over and contemplated everything going on in my life. That I stepped out of my truck on I-87 southbound, looked up and stared directly into the sun asking for answers, but I continued driving and about 5 minutes later after FeFe finished playing on the radio, I realized that he was correct.


Now weíve all talked about how filters make us look hotter, donít pretend like you havenít. A little Mayfair here, a little Valencia there, weíve all done it. You can single handedly make yourself look like the hottest person in the world by just changing the optics of the picture and enhancing your best qualities.

I will openly admit that I put on a snapchat filter with some pouty duck lips to make my face look somewhat proportional ferda but I never thought about the premise of adding a foreign object. Now, these arenít just sunglasses but big sunglasses. Iím talking aviators, Holbrooks, the bingo bango of sunglasses. The frames dial back your big ass dome and leave you looking as adorable as ever.

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Wa-Wa-Wa-WAAAAGON. Now hereís the thing, does it work with men as well? You better believe that I took one of those duck lipped aviator selfies just miles away from my front door on the way home, and guess what! Deeeecent feedback, I’m talking WAY more positive than negative. I think the moral of the story is that sunglasses are PEDs for being sexy as fuck and if you aren’t cheating then you arenít trying. Iím telling you, if this whole hot as fuck resolution happens come June or July, I will probably never wear another shirt in my life and I will always be sporting aviators, outside and inside. Iím feeling frisky just thinking about it.



How do you feel?

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